wakey wakey hands off snakey
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
