i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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