I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
