If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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