normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
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