After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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