Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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