I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
