Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
