I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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