my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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