I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
