the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
and you fell through a lawn chair
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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