I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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