the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
