Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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