quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
In America we eat man semen.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
