Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
