I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
