The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
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I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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