Old men and throwing up are my life now.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
