On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Randomize
