My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
