Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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