I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
