the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
