That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just want nice things and good sex
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
