I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
