We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
COCAINE IS GR8
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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