the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
