I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
