There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
