I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
