he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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