the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
