If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
