you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
