they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
