I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
