Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
