someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
