Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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