Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize