hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
