Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
