Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
