so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
