nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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