There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
