Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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