At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
