My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
