Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
