Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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