I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
