I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
