It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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