my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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