i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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