I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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