he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My ass is underappreciated
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
